She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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