I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
