Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
