i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
