Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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