Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
