I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
