OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
