Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
