Me. At least after what I've been through.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
