What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
