Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
50% drunk capacity currently
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
