I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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