closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
