So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
