this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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