I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
