I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
