Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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