Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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