just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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