I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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