If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
