hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
