how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
