i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
