Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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