You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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