Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
