That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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