covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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