I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
