You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
