I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
