the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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