Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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