need another drink. this is the easiest way
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
