I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
