sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
