I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
