all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
pop tarts are not kleenex
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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