Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
