Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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