take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
