My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
