He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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