i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
