Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
