there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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