So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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