I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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